Excuses Excuses
by Nicole11
Summary: Just random funniness. Lets just say it all ends with Chandler getting a reality check and Phoebe trying to seduse Joey.


Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit. BTW: this is my first Friends fic, so be nice :)  
  
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"...So I figure that life would just be so much easier if we fought our wars on the moon." Chandler finished. Everyone looked at him oddly. "Ya know, with robots."  
  
The gang was sitting in the coffee house, and Chandler was trying to explain why they should vote for him in the next presidential election.  
  
After a very long silence filled with strange looks being sent Chandler's way, Rachel finally spoke.  
  
"I'm gonna go get some coffee." She said, standing up from her spot on the couch.  
  
"Yea, you and what army?" Phoebe laughed. The looks that had been focused on Chandler, quickly switched to Phoebe. Phoebe just took a sip of her coffee, not realizing that she was being stared at.  
  
"...what?" Rachel asked, sitting back down.  
  
Phoebe, suddenly becoming aware of the looks she was receiving, began to explain.  
  
"Well, you see, my mother killed herself when I was young, and-"  
  
"Oh, what a load of crap." Monica sighed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You've been using that excuse for years!" Monica laughed. "Big deal! So you're mom killed herself!"  
  
"Well, it was pretty damaging." Phoebe explained.  
  
"You might not know this, but I was *fat* when I was younger." Monica said, like it settled everything. "I had to sit in a different chair from everyone else in school because the other's couldn't support my weight!"  
  
"That's nothing." Rachel scoffed, waving a hand dismissively.  
  
"*Excuse* me?" Monica said angrily. "You've experienced worse?"  
  
"Don't you remember? Back in high school, I had a nose like a bird!" Rachel said loudly.  
  
"Wait, birds don't have noses." Phoebe pointed out.  
  
"Yea, they have beaks." Ross chimed in.  
  
"Well, you know what I mean." Rachel said dismissively.  
  
"...no." Phoebe said. Monica, Ross and Chandler all nodded their heads.  
  
"Well -Joey knows what I mean!" Rachel said, pointing to Joey. He looked a little startled and just said, "uh, yea, sure."  
  
"Anyways," Rachel continued. "my nose was, like, worthy of it's own zip code."  
  
"Yea, well, you got a nose job. You can't fix what happened to me." Ross said confidently.  
  
"What happened to you?" Monica laughed.  
  
"Umm, hello? Lesbian wife?" Ross said. "I'll be stuck with that for life, there's no way to just fix it."  
  
"Yea there is. It's called therapy." Chandler said.  
  
"Oh, I was gonna say 'strip joint.'" Joey said, shrugging.  
  
"But I was also married, like, a zillion times. And all of my wives turned out to be either lesbians or unbearable." Ross sighed. He was midway to grabbing his coffee cup off of the table in front of him when he caught Rachel glaring at him. Then, he quickly added in the sweetest voice possible, "Except for *you.*"  
  
"Yea, well, I've got you all beat." Chandler said proudly. "I give you my father; the amazing Vegas show girl."  
  
There was a long silence where Chandler sat there, waiting for some kind of reaction while everyone else seemed to be thinking.  
  
"...huh." Ross said conversationally.  
  
"That's the one you're using?" Rachel asked Chandler.  
  
"Yea, I thought you'd use the fact that you have a gay quality about you." Joey said.  
  
"Or that Flock of Seagulls phase you went through." Monica added.  
  
"Or how you use humor to-"  
  
"Okayokayokay!" Chandler said quickly. Deciding that he wanted the topic changed to something that didn't concern his faults, Chandler said, "What about you Joe?"  
  
Joey looked at Chandler, as if waiting for him to continue his sentence. When Chandler didn't, Joey said, "What?"  
  
"What's *one* thing," Chandler glared at the others. "in your life that's damaging and thus used as an excuse?"  
  
Joey just looked at Chandler in that 'I'll wait patiently while you try to finish your sentence' way again. Finally, he realized that Chandler was finished talking, and kinda hoping that Joey would start.  
  
"Oh," Joey said with a smile. "yea, I don't have one."  
  
"You don't *have one*?" Ross asked with disgust.  
  
"Nope." Joey said happily.  
  
Ross, Chandler, Rachel, and Monica all fixed Joey with death glares, while Phoebe was sipping away merrily from her coffee mug.  
  
Monica elbowed Phoebe and seemed to bring her back to reality.  
  
"Oh, sorry. What'd I miss?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"We're all sending Joey dirty looks." Monica said, continuing to glare in Joey's direction.  
  
"Right." Phoebe said. She caught Joey's eye, wagged her eyebrows and licked her lips seductively.  
  
"Hey, how you doin?" Joey said, nodding at Phoebe.  
  
"Not *that* kind of dirty!" Monica hissed, hitting Phoebe a little too violently.  
  
"Oh, sorry." Phoebe said, rubbing the spot on her arm Monica had just slapped. "I didn't understand. You see, my mother killed herself when I was young..."  
  
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A/N: Totally random. I wrote it just for the sake of writing, since I have writers block for one of my Harry Potter stories. I hope you liked it! 


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